Dear GameCube, you were there when I needed a reliable games console, and you were still there after my friends called you a lunchbox. Despite the potential unfixable damage, I put a sandwich inside of you anyway and we showed them just how versatile you really are.
I have never been embarrassed by the size of your discs, they complimented the shape of Mario’s paunch, and copies of Universal Studios Theme Parks Adventure made for great disposable coasters. Not even this grammatically correct, 1 star review, posted in 2002 by PriceGrabber.com user ‘antiGAMECUBE’, can make me feel bad about my love for you…
“I think you shouldnt waist your money on this Ugly game console, A cube, a simple cube that cant play DVDs or have good graphics, and bad sound, its games are horible, just a bunch of repeat games from earlier Nintendo Systems, just for little kids, small controller, and the controller doesnt even fit my little bros hands, its way too small.”
…I have however started a petition to get ‘antiGAMECUBE and his little brother are simple cubes!’ written on the moon. I am a large-handed man, I suppose if gloves had a standardised sizing chart, I would be looking towards the upper-end of the scale, however, never have I ever thought that your controller was too small. I guess the rest of us have been going wrong all these years by not using a grand piano to control our games, much like antiGAMECUBE and his little brother, with their colossal hands and bad tastes.
Your release of Resident Evil 4 is split onto two discs, which meant I had to change discs mid-game, a practice I was and still am comfortable with thanks to my brother introducing me to the Amiga when I was younger (games on this system often required 74 floppy disk changes just to boot up the main menu). Finding motivation to physically change a disc, once you’ve already settled into the groove of your chair, makes for victories that feel genuinely well earned. Thinking back on times playing this game makes me feel how I imagine a baby boomer feels when they’re talking to a millennial about things being much harder back in their day. Even now I get excited thinking about how I too will be able to express similar sentiments to my grandchildren, as they play browser-based games on the internet that has been genetically implanted in their brains.
The five separate times I cried when Mario Kart Double Dash wouldn’t load are completely forgiven. The five separate times Mario Kart Double Dash ended up loading, thanks to a process of turning on the GameCube, opening the disc lid, closing the disc lid and then pressing reset, were the best times of my youth. Making Iggy from Animal Crossing greet me with “Hey, what’s up, Wanker?” every time I started speaking to him, blew my mind. This is the way I spent my hours. These are the hours I treasure most.